Today it was official. There is a internal calendar in my head. It does not however, offer me details to be better at dates. Instead it is a forewarning system I think the emotional parts of my brain developed to be better at preparing for mentally challenging task. Such as Doctors appointments, meeting friends, going to therapy etc.

So today I felt that shiver that makes the body itchy. Not litterally. but you cannot settle down anywhere. Like a dog just moving around meaningless in quest to break the curse this is.

Just when I though I had beaten the anxiety. The sensation of what you ca’t see beyond the periphery of our sight. It feels like the mind is noticing a change in light just at the edge of the sight. Telling the mind that what is behind might be a mighty shadow. The reaction of wanting to escape makes me shift my head in a rough motion. Trying to wrestle it off. Because many of these anxiety spirals come when your are out public.
The need to escape is a instinct and not a choice.

People with anxiety. You have to remember that most reactions related to anxiety are out of your hands. Because I know how much burden they give you. Shame. The constant reminder of not being “Normal” or strong enough.

Then I give in. I cannot fight anymore. Thre hours is a long time to fight anxiety of this magnitude.

So i feel that i lost. Again. As so many thousand times before.

The walkt to the medical cabinet is a long one in the mind.

Hate, inadequate, nothing.

I take a half of Vitamin V. Once my savior. Now just a frenemy at best.

I went from 15 mg a day. That is three pills a day. One with the rough morning. One at the stress of mid day and the last to be able to accept sleep.

I function well outside. Not a guy that ever meltdown with people.
I worked ten hours in Christmasrush everyday in a Kitchenstore. Selling and packing christmas gifts while still handling grand panic attacks that could last hours.

But back then the medication gave breaks so that I could handle the small and medium but took a sedative when it became critical.

Critical Panicattack and IBS attack are soo massive on every sense that when it reaches critical level. The psychosomatic symptoms can become a serious problem. That pill is not taken to have a high or a better time. Its our emergency vitamin in the same degree a diabetic need their insulin.

I have tried doing what my psychiatrist told me. To just fight it. That it would get better. When someone order me to do something. I follow. But eventually this will backfire.

Just like with the meds. I got a IBS attack and lost conscience. 7 minutes later I woke up and every sense was off beat. The hearing was I was wearing somthing that distorted the sounds. The body was white. And nothing was safe.

I got of the bus where it happened and laid down on the sidewalk covering my head kneeling forward. And sat there for 15 minutes just fighting it and it felt like fighting to not loose something.

I had a system. But since it wasnt my doctors plan. It got changed. Then many failures came, had to be fought and then rebuild.

Four years in recovery where I though it would be focus on my stomach issues. Has it instead becomed all about bureaucracy that has made this experience the hardest challenge.

Becase all those feelings I had worked trough with therapy. Where triggered back to life.

Today Is an existence of constant rehabilitation. How to live without always fearing or overcompensating.

Nobody else seems to be wanting to make it easier. So we have to do this on our own.

Yours sincerely

A fighter

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