I started my youth as a self-accepted loner. Though it never was a choice I took. The main rule in the game of surviving, is that it’s only possible to exist by living in the crisis. Accepting that there is a fair chance it will be your life for years to come.

What you don’t know, is the consequences that lies ahead because of this way of living.

For me, the great change came the year before finishing High School. In Norway we celebrate the ending of High School as the goodbye to childhood and greating maturity by acting like a kid while bingedrinking. Yeah, that is being a true Norwegian. Wonder what this interpetation of aldulthood, that being older has only one benefit being alcohol.

I knew this was my very last chance to create a sociallife with other people. The keypoint for a new friendship is sharing either a great or really bad memory. It’s the foundation that connects us. Because only then do we feel a true relationship trough sharing.

Since then I’ve strived to catch up. Again I went in the wrong direction. My self-improvement has always been synonymous with those weakness in my abilities. It being learning social codes or the understanding of the world. You know, always being updated on current events.

Reading my way trough history, great novels from different genres. All having one thing in common. They together woved a rich tapestry of the human as a total in a collective.

Then I started being more social. Always entertaining. Making people laugh or feel better. But not once was it done without a wanting of getting the same back.

Thiese are the two lines I’ve heard the most in social setting, and the one i truly hate. Because it pushes the responsibility of the other person to participate in keeping the mood up;

“You are so fun to be with!” And “You’re such a good listener!”

Then it became a job.

As I grew older the tactics changed and inviting people to dinner became my way to a social life. I though this was a great start of a friendship that was more than just being acquaintances. But I really though that if you invited someone to an activity. The ball would be in their court to keep the “game” going. Againt a two-way participation.

I failed. And became known as a host.

The worst role to act. It demands too much of a human. And you get soo very little back. Compliments are only good when they lead to advancing in some way. Any other are cheap ways to avoid the ball.

My conclusion to a social life as a grown up is worse then back as a kid. Today you have to be a trend slave, drink alcohol and being updated on entertainement. It’s just too superficial for me to get the wanting for more.

Or it’s trough coffee. The arena for the fakest personas of all. This is where the polished truth comes out in the sharing of eachothers life. We update on work, relationships and talking about other common friends. Usually with a negative tone on their weaknesses.

I have a couple of friends today I love.

It took me a while to get self-critical. With a second look on how I communicated. I found out that even though I had tons of stuff to talk about. I often was to focused on what I would say next, that listening was scars. Even in those drunk state when people tell everything. It was as being a doll with the right answers.

So know I truly listen with interest. And with these few friends, we participate and it becomes something more interesting to learn about the other person.

While the rest. The majority of the society are impossible. It’s either like being in a room with tha famous pink elephant in the room nobody talks about. And instead are talking on issues that really cannot be that great to spend a night agreeing on.

I know I’m picky.

But when you’ve lived as a loner trough a whole decade. It changes you in a permanent way.